The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down his trail, tripped over
a large snake and fell - kerplop! - right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I've never seen myself.
Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
The snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked:
'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny replied to the snake:
'You're cold, you're slippery - and you haven't got any balls.
You must be a POLITICIAN.
a large snake and fell - kerplop! - right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I've never seen myself.
Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
The snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked:
'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny replied to the snake:
'You're cold, you're slippery - and you haven't got any balls.
You must be a POLITICIAN.
Don't start none...won't be none.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Happy 2015!
BY TOR IS THE JOKE
Once upon a time I knew a toolbag named Hairball
His wisdom he wished to impart
On the world by dressing like a fart
and creating a place for people to feel smart
And so a mod came to be known
as a place retards call home
from ElfDude to Zep and Soup to Cyg
just another 4 clan clone that gets stoned
But it's not enough to make a home
it has to be full of idiots who fight
so moderation was thrown
the way graves are sown
"But it's just another chat room,
calm down" you may say
I shall because it's
METHODS ARE SO GAY!
But John is not around
to see my truth be put down
he's toiling with work holding his balls
if any sense he'd nail By-Tor to the fence
A shame of shames I do declear
for By-Tors whores are sore
by such trite and worthless bits like that nonsense fight
instead of write I'd rather be fucked by a donkey all night
Alas, all the limericks should say
exactly why I came here today
not to view your comments of the day
but to say; I'm better than you in each and everyway!
THAT'S HOW YOU HIJACK A THREAD PROPERLY!
FAGGOTS
Once upon a time I knew a toolbag named Hairball
His wisdom he wished to impart
On the world by dressing like a fart
and creating a place for people to feel smart
And so a mod came to be known
as a place retards call home
from ElfDude to Zep and Soup to Cyg
just another 4 clan clone that gets stoned
But it's not enough to make a home
it has to be full of idiots who fight
so moderation was thrown
the way graves are sown
"But it's just another chat room,
calm down" you may say
I shall because it's
METHODS ARE SO GAY!
But John is not around
to see my truth be put down
he's toiling with work holding his balls
if any sense he'd nail By-Tor to the fence
A shame of shames I do declear
for By-Tors whores are sore
by such trite and worthless bits like that nonsense fight
instead of write I'd rather be fucked by a donkey all night
Alas, all the limericks should say
exactly why I came here today
not to view your comments of the day
but to say; I'm better than you in each and everyway!
THAT'S HOW YOU HIJACK A THREAD PROPERLY!
FAGGOTS
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
any lovin' in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said:
'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get
down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said:
'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said: 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates!'
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr. Chang!
What is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,
'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
any lovin' in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said:
'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get
down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said:
'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said: 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates!'
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr. Chang!
What is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,
'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
Don't start none...won't be none.
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man
a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient
said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the
man objects: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of
having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection
to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine
with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a
pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man
a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient
said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the
man objects: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of
having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection
to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine
with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a
pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
Don't start none...won't be none.
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him
and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had
sex:
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her, and....kicked her square in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed:
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied: "Tarzan check for squirrel."
and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had
sex:
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her, and....kicked her square in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed:
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied: "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Well, my job's done.....but WAIT! There's MORE!Walkinghairball wrote:*Coffee....................all over the place*
VVV
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students:
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand...
"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began: "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff - Fffff - Fffff'...
...and before he could say 'F**k'....the Rottweiler ate him!"
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
Don't start none...won't be none.
A TOUGH OLD COAL MINER FROM WEST VIRGINIA COUNSELED HIS
GRANDSON THAT, IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET
WAS:
TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY
MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY, TO THE AGE OF 103, WHEN HE
DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-
CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN....
.... AND A 15-FOOT CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
GRANDSON THAT, IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET
WAS:
TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY
MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY, TO THE AGE OF 103, WHEN HE
DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-
CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN....
.... AND A 15-FOOT CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Don't start none...won't be none.
I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible!'
My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap? '
I still don't know if she was joking...
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible!'
My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap? '
I still don't know if she was joking...
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called
the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the
Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the
Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
This space for rent