The Joke thread

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:27 pm

He's dead now, isn't he?

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sat Aug 08, 2009 2:50 pm

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:13 pm

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand
on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays....

He prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and
asks:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says:

"I don't know, Reverend - it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

Raiden · Post by **Raiden** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:17 am

Well done.

But "He prays a blue streak for Leroy" doesn't sound right.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:53 am

Raiden wrote:"He prays a blue streak for Leroy" doesn't sound right.

It sure sounds better than a brown streak, but I digress.

Raiden · Post by **Raiden** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:52 pm

You're askin' for a red one.

ElfDude · Post by **ElfDude** » Mon Aug 24, 2009 8:24 am

A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy '

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to20eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traf fic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his damn widow.'

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:41 am

You're almost always asked at the doctor's office why you are there, and
you have to answer (in front of others) what's wrong -- and sometimes
it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients!

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it:

A 75-year-old walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear, and then discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private.."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the
answer could embarrass anyone!" the man said.

Then he walked out, and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled (knowing he had taken
her advice).

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

The lesson learned here:

Mess with smart-assed seniors, and you're going to lose every time.

Raiden · Post by **Raiden** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 2:29 am

Here's a nice song about the US government.

http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewke ... 84e75f4b78

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:45 am

That was sissysilly....................but right on the button, and rather funny.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Mon Aug 31, 2009 4:58 am

Couldn't see the video, but no comment anyway.

See, I'm with the government, and I'm here to help.

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:36 am

The video is a parody of "The Candyman" but done to the government.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:45 am

Walkinghairball wrote:The video is a parody of "The Candyman" but done to the government.

Sweet...sweet.

Did it show Al Gore with global warming money hanging out of his
pockets, doing the "Big Balls Strut?"

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Mon Aug 31, 2009 12:15 pm

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide, so I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially, and very energetic, but directionless, so I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me, and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, so I'm looking for a girl with a big rack.

Raiden · Post by **Raiden** » Mon Aug 31, 2009 2:58 pm

Walkinghairball wrote:The video is a parody of "The Candyman" but done to the government.

That's a parody? I did not know that.