I am posting this story because 1: I am bored, 2: I posted so much shit on here when I was high and probably scared a lot of non-stoner fans away, 3: It explains everything, 4: I'm lonely and want attention, 5: I just wanted a 5th reason.
100% sober for a YEAR now and 85% sober for the last 3. Whatcha think about that? I don't smoke anything, I don't take anything and I don't drink. I would drink a beer every now and then but I can't. But I don't miss any of it.
Here's most of the drugs I used to do:
Alcohol
Weed
Shrooms
LSD
Ketamine
PCP
Methadone
Morphine
Smack
Oxycodone
Salvia Divinorum
etc.
Wanna know what I do instead? I sprint, use free weights and eat healthy. I do stuff with my dog like obedience and agility. I am working on moving forward in my life and have made some major progress.
I was unemployed for over 2 years. I got really depressed last summer and it was horrible. I couldn't hardly get out of bed, every little thing took so much effort, I just cried all the time...I hated my life and myself and felt like it was all my fault and I screwed it up completely. I looked in the mirror at a person that looked old and sick...I thought I had cancer and would die because I felt so bad. I wanted to die but a friend or two talked me into getting counseling. It wasn't the first time I had gotten depressed like that and I decided to listen to them to make them happy.
I made an appointment but it wasn't for at least a month or so later. By the time I got the appointment I almost canceled it because I wasn't depressed anymore. I felt great and was thinking how the hell couldn't I have gotten like that? I felt like everything was fine and it would never happen again. After explaining why I made the appointment, my therapist said "you don't seem depressed to me at all now" and she asked me to describe my current mood. I said something like I was so happy not to be sad anymore. I kept assuring her that it was normal for me to be so hyper. She said I should see the pysch doc about the depression and I agreed.
With each passing week I gained exuberance and was working on some projects that would change the world. My therapist kept asking me, when I was going to see the doctor. Silly lady. I just wanted her to help me with my not being able to sleep. Nothing she said would work so I kept interrupting her.
So I went to see the psychdoc one day about my depression. He asked me about my depression and I said yes to almost everything he asked. He said "you don't seem depressed at all to me, but you do seem very sped up to me" He asked me if I used coke or speed or any other stimulants. I said no and he asked me again later just to be sure. He asked me if I felt like I had a bunch of energy sometimes, I was like hell yeah! He asked me if I felt that my thoughts were racing, hell yeah! And pretty much every single question he asked I said yes to.
After he was able to get me to shut up and stop elaborating he said that all those are classic symptoms of manic depression. I wasn't fazed at the time, still smiling in fact and obliviously happy during our discussion about Lithium. Lithium is the reason I can't have alcohol. The narrow therapeutic range is real close to the toxic level. Mine level is kept on the higher end so getting dehydrated could push it into the danger zone easily. I haven't had one of those life sucking depressions since I have been on lithium (1yr). I have had 2 relapses (manic), with the 1st one, an increase in Lithium took care of it. With the second one, another mood stabilizer was added.
Anyhow, with that under control, at least mostly...I don't feel like I need to self medicate with any drugs. I no longer need a protective shell. I have also recognized the fact that LSD triggers mania for me (like manic episodes would happen anyway but the LSD triggered them, as does stress, lack of sleep). Weed sometimes made made my symptoms worse. Knowing that, I want to avoid them because I don't want any more relapses. I just don't care about drugs anymore or alcohol.
As long as I am leveled out, instead of worrying about every little thing like; what situations can I handle? or how can I avoid something?; I just focus on making my relationships with people better, focus on moving forward. At first normalcy was a shock to me and I hated it. But now as I am getting used to it, it enables me to do all the things I couldn't do. I'm employable, I'm not wigged with anxiety out by going to public places, I can be assertive without flipping out and jumping in people's shit, I am being more consistent (amazing where that gets you!).
I am glad where my life is going now. I sometimes really hate taking my meds, side effects suck. I have a tremor from Lithium plus lack of appetite and the other one just makes me tired. I still have days where I think its too boring like this. I haven't known anything other than chaos since I was a small child. I inherited all the bipolar genes in the family I think. I think I have hallucinated more times sober than from drugs. Drugs never seemed that weird to me, so it was easy to get into. Even a bad trip or two just seemed like bad days to me. LOL
Still sober, its a long story
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Still sober, its a long story
We're all mad here!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
I got a job in April and have managed to keep it so far. Its the first job I have had in years! There was a rocky time when I was having a manic relapse and I am surprised I still have the job. I was so hyper that my boss asked me if I was on speed...I just said yes. 
I also talked shit to customers on the phone, shoved one guy and cussed him out...I went off on my boss one day and walked out, didn't show up a few times...it built up to one night (4th of july) where I was throwing firewood at some animals that were not there and saw a milk white rhino that turned into a triceratops. It was freaky, I could hear it breathe but there was some part of me that knew it wasn't real. I was still freaking out and hallucinating a lot, just felt like I couldn't stop. I never slept at all that night. I saw my shrink right after that and he added another mood stabilizer and gradually, I came down.
I also talked shit to customers on the phone, shoved one guy and cussed him out...I went off on my boss one day and walked out, didn't show up a few times...it built up to one night (4th of july) where I was throwing firewood at some animals that were not there and saw a milk white rhino that turned into a triceratops. It was freaky, I could hear it breathe but there was some part of me that knew it wasn't real. I was still freaking out and hallucinating a lot, just felt like I couldn't stop. I never slept at all that night. I saw my shrink right after that and he added another mood stabilizer and gradually, I came down.We're all mad here!
For the record Xanny.. I did not think you were wierd or anything when you posted.. You seemed like just another person to me that was always nice..
I am glad to hear you are conquering your demons.. and getting yourself to be the person you want to be.. Life is hard and at times very overwhelming. It sounds like you are on your way and I hope you find happiness in whatever road life takes you on...
Bill
I am glad to hear you are conquering your demons.. and getting yourself to be the person you want to be.. Life is hard and at times very overwhelming. It sounds like you are on your way and I hope you find happiness in whatever road life takes you on...
Bill
Happy 2015!
Awww thanks you all 
I had to switch one of my meds about 2 weeks ago. I had an allergic reaction to the newer one that worked so good (go figure). So anyway, my psych doc gave me two options the 1st one could make me drowsy, esp at first and the 2nd one he said would made me feel calm. I said "dude, that's boring, I don't want to be calm!"
He just laughed. But I may have to settle with "calm" if these side effects don't go away ugh. 
Or not...I'll just stop taking all of them
I had to switch one of my meds about 2 weeks ago. I had an allergic reaction to the newer one that worked so good (go figure). So anyway, my psych doc gave me two options the 1st one could make me drowsy, esp at first and the 2nd one he said would made me feel calm. I said "dude, that's boring, I don't want to be calm!"
He just laughed. But I may have to settle with "calm" if these side effects don't go away ugh. Or not...I'll just stop taking all of them
We're all mad here!
