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The Joke thread
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Raiden



Joined: 06 Nov 2008
Posts: 637
Location: Earthrealm

PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just because I have an urge to pick on Weird Al, I'll play with one of his songs.

*puts on a wig and gets into character of a woman, adopts high--pitched voice*


I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?

You know the rules. So, no


I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt

Yes, yes I am. How kind of you to notice.


Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice

Imm... thanks? I like the shape of youe eyelids.


I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice

Wait, what?


Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare

Thanks for explaining.


You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear

You're welcome.


I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms

[Steps back a few feet]


You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms

Please don't do that.


Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?

Walk by as many times as you like.


My love for you's like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in

Is it also runny, smelly and disgusting?


Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire

[Groan, facepalm]


I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier

And this is a good thing because...


You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it

Too late.


Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet

You don't want to pee in them, do you?


Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?

Not really.


I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you

Ew


I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too

You're starting to creep me out.


I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?

Yeah...... yeah you are.


I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?

[Shudder]


I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?

Do it, and you won't be able to make "lava" again.


You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?

[Loss for words]


There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To desribe how smooth I am

Smooth like sandpaper


Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"

No, it was under a different word.


My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?

Not with weapons you can't.


You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face

What kinda pick-up like is THAT?


Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause, baby, you're the bomb

Lame


I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom

That poor woman


Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy

It took little effort.
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CygnusX1



Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 17336
Location: We don't call 911 here.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Favorite Movie Test:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3 .
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted
favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below:





Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. Obama '12 Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Animal House
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Xanadu



Joined: 14 Nov 2003
Posts: 7879
Location: My vortex.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm hoping!
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CygnusX1



Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 17336
Location: We don't call 911 here.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rock on, homeskillet!

Hey, how'd you like our little taste o' Hell last week?

Did it get hot 'nuff 4 ya?
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Xanadu



Joined: 14 Nov 2003
Posts: 7879
Location: My vortex.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That shit sucked! glasses1 sunny flower
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CygnusX1



Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 17336
Location: We don't call 911 here.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damned right it did. Long and hard. Mad

Dude...wanna do something fun?

Feed raccoons peanut butter on old bread.

Good times, I'll tell ya whut! headbang
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Walkinghairball



Joined: 21 Apr 2004
Posts: 25118
Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CygnusX1 wrote:
Favorite Movie Test:




That is some funny chit there. Razz Very Happy Razz Laughing
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CygnusX1



Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 17336
Location: We don't call 911 here.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyeeew. I'll be appearing here all week.

Don't forget to tip your servers.
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CygnusX1



Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 17336
Location: We don't call 911 here.

PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Virginia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64, about 2 miles East of
the Virginia/West Virginia state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said
he was a magician and a juggler. He said was on his way to Beckley, WV
to do a show at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the
driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead of him and didn't
have anything to juggle. The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk
and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed
them to him, one by one.

While the man was juggling 5 ignited flares, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car.

A drunk ol' boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance
.....then, went over to the State Police car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car. He opened the
door and asked the WV drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied:

"You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in Hell I
can pass that test."

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Soup4Rush



Joined: 13 Nov 2003
Posts: 17561

PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gay Test

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeez you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as tinkerbell. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.
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Soup4Rush



Joined: 13 Nov 2003
Posts: 17561

PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woman Who Loves NINJAS!

Reply to: blog-1326910526@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-06-11, 5:09PM UTC
Category: Funny,M4W,Missed Connections

it was yesterday (valentines day), at about 5 PM. You were inside of the liquor store on melrose. I went in to buy some batteries and to look at the adult magazines because im too cheap to buy them, and because my memory is so good.

you were buying:

donuts (package of six; powdered)

mineral or spring water (approx. 32 ounces or 750 ml in case youre european)

ciggeretes (hey they were lights! we all know that the full flavor ones are deadly but lights are filled with granola and herbs!)

I said “going to kick back and watch some ninjas movies eh?”

“what??”, you said.

Then I said: “thats the stuff i buy when im going to relax in front of a ninja movie”

you said: “hmm.”

Do you like ninjas, i asked.

Not really you said, but i could tell you were being cagey, just to make sure i was really a fan of ninjas and not some ninja poser.

Then you hurried out of the store with your bag, i followed you and when you started running i knew you were just testing my stamina and ninja locating powers. Im fast as shit huh? At the company picnic i hit a home run and then ran and caught it.

Then you jumped in your ninja mobile and since i walked to the store (its close to my house) my ninjamobile was a good distance away and my locating powers arent that superior yet to find you with that kind of head start.

So i was thinking youre probably regretting being so presumptious to think that my ninjamobile was nearby or that i had a grappling hook and could throw it at your car, i mean you ruined a good thing baby.
So heres your second chance, email me ok?
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Soup4Rush



Joined: 13 Nov 2003
Posts: 17561

PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some Advice From Your Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

“I didn’t put it all the way in.” Not a defense.

“All the money is gone now.” Not a defense

“The bitch deserved it.” Not a defense.

“But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high.” Not a defense.

“She didn’t look thirteen.” Possibly a defense; it depends.

“She didn’t look six.” Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There’s nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
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CygnusX1



Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 17336
Location: We don't call 911 here.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 19, 2012 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's good stuff right there, I-tell-ya-whut. Laughing
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zepboy



Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Posts: 6772
Location: Lookin for a place.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A three legged dog limps into the saloon and states, " I'm looking for the fella that shot my paw."
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