The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

Moderator: Priests of Syrinx

User avatar
awip2062
Posts: 25518
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:15 am
Contact:

Post by awip2062 »

From my mom:

Who says today's kids aren't smart ??

At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
Onward and Upward!
User avatar
awip2062
Posts: 25518
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:15 am
Contact:

Post by awip2062 »

You know a member of StarFleet is a redneck when:
His shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
He refers to Klingons as "Critters"
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
He sets the foreword view screen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
His idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
He sets his phaser to "Cajun"
Onward and Upward!
User avatar
Mr. Potatoe Head
Posts: 1783
Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am

Post by Mr. Potatoe Head »

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN KENTUCKY

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Kentucky.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
We have four seas ons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Exam ple: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Kentucky (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be a Kentuckian; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift
CygnusX1
Posts: 17306
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:53 pm
Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once-in-a-while
a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!", says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and
see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady...

"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of
Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds!


So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge shear,
and each time a guy sticks his little prick through the bushes,
I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

Well," says the little old lady....


"Some guys think I'm bullshitting."
Don't start none...won't be none.
User avatar
awip2062
Posts: 25518
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:15 am
Contact:

Post by awip2062 »

ROFL! Good ones, guys! :-D

The new sign in the bank lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, male and female procedures have been
developed.


Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on passenger sear to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Onward and Upward!
User avatar
awip2062
Posts: 25518
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:15 am
Contact:

Post by awip2062 »

Q. Why is it that a milking stool only has three legs?

A. Because the cow has the udder.

:roll: yeah, great, eh?
Onward and Upward!
User avatar
Walkinghairball
Posts: 25037
Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.

Post by Walkinghairball »

MOOOoooooooooo-hahahahahahahahaha
This space for rent
User avatar
Walkinghairball
Posts: 25037
Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.

Post by Walkinghairball »

Image
This space for rent
User avatar
awip2062
Posts: 25518
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:15 am
Contact:

Post by awip2062 »

ROFLMBO! :D
Onward and Upward!
User avatar
awip2062
Posts: 25518
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:15 am
Contact:

Post by awip2062 »

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE_______ ____ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __ No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Ye s __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? <SPAN>

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IM MEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

____________________________________ __________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

_________________________________ _____________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ & nbsp; ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi &nbs p; State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad' s rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear t heir trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want t o be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Pl ease do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil i n my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, yo u have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Onward and Upward!
User avatar
ElfDude
Posts: 11085
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
Contact:

Post by ElfDude »

^^^^^

Perfect! :)
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
Image
User avatar
Big Blue Owl
Posts: 7457
Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light

Post by Big Blue Owl »

^^^
Yes, perfect because any guy who sees that will turn and run for his life without filling out one line :-D
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
User avatar
Walkinghairball
Posts: 25037
Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.

Post by Walkinghairball »

Works for me.
This space for rent
User avatar
Walkinghairball
Posts: 25037
Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.

Post by Walkinghairball »

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES?
A: They take off their makeup.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
This space for rent
CygnusX1
Posts: 17306
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:53 pm
Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

Goos stuff Hairy! :headbang:



Here's one from the government vault:



A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."

He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me
and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy: "Okay. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 0800 to 1600. You can start tomorrow.
Report for work at 1000."

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?'

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
Don't start none...won't be none.
Post Reply