The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

^^^

Yes, mom and pop would be SO proud. LMAO
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Raiden
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Post by Raiden »

Yes, best student EVER right there.
CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while...
I ran out of worms!

'Bout that time, I saw a big ol' cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and
frogs are good bass bait...

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was... how to release the snake without getting bit!

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels, and poured a little whiskey in
its mouth....

His eyes rolled back, and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my bass
fishing with the frog bait.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot....



There was that same snake - with two frogs in his mouth.
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Xanadu
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Post by Xanadu »

^^^Dude that is so redneck.

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so ugly she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
We're all mad here!
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Yo mama so fat when she cuts her finger gravy pours out.
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

Xanadu wrote:^^^Dude that is so redneck.
thankyeeeeew....thankyavurramuch :-D

***strikes cheesiest "Fat-Elvis" Karate pose EVER***
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Raiden
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Post by Raiden »

"Hu is the leader of China."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ofg6v8JRQM
zepboy
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Post by zepboy »

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Too funny!
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Raiden
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Post by Raiden »

zepboy wrote:^^^^^^^^^^^^
Too funny!
Indeed
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schuette
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Post by schuette »

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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Middle Kingdom
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Post by Middle Kingdom »

A male lawyer was sitting next to a cute girl on a long plane ride,
bugged her to play a trivia game, which prohibited her from sleeping.

He made a deal she finally agreed to - if he stumped her, she'd pay him $5, but if she stumped him, he'd pay her $50.

He asks her what the capital of Denmark is.
She didn't know and gave him $5.

Her turn. She asks "what goes up a mountain on 3 legs and comes down on 4?"

He vows to figure it out while she falls back asleep.
He spends a few hours checking the internet, calls some friends, emails people and can't find
the answer.

Finally he wakes her up and says "You got me" and givers her the $50. He says "so what goes up a mountain on 3 legs and comes down on 4?"

She quietly hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
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T4EFAN
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Post by T4EFAN »

Nice!


Customer Service Calls to God

Support Rep: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling God. This is Reshawnda speaking. How may I assist you today?
Woman Caller: (Distraught) I-I need to speak to God.
Support Rep: I'm sorry, everybody does. Perhaps there's something I can assist you with?
Woman Caller: M-My father... he's... in a coma.
Support Rep: Okay. May I get your ID number, ma'am?
Woman Caller: What? I don't have...
Support Rep: It's on the back of your bible.
Woman Caller: (The receiver is jostled. Pause) ...56839?
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. Are you somewhere close to your father where you can also hold the phone?
Woman Caller: Yes. Please, I-I just want to ask God... to look out for my father... and... deliver him from--
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. I just activated your father. Try him now.
Father: (In background) Mary? What's going on?
Woman Caller: Oh my God! He's awake!!
Support Rep: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Woman Caller: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Support Rep: You're welcome, ma'am. May I ask you to take a few moments to participate in a brief sur--
(Line goes dead.)

Support Rep: Thank you for calling God. My name is Todd. How may I assist you today?
Male Caller: Yes, I would like to submit a complaint. I recently--
Support Rep: Please hold.
("Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett plays over the line. The song fades out...)
Recording: Did you know that you can now pray to God online? Just log on to god-online.com/pray. It's free and easy. Try it today. ?Sab?as que puedes ahora rogar a dios en l?nea? Apenas se?alar--
Support Rep: (Cuts in) Complaints. This is Janice.
Male Caller: Hello, Janice. I recently submitted a prayer to God asking that the Phoenix Suns win the divisional playoffs. And they were knocked out in the first round 4 to 1.
Support Rep: Can I get your ID number, sir?
Male Caller: 83628. And I'm very upset because I had season tickets and we had a whole trip planned to--
Support Rep: I'm sorry, sir, but your account status doesn't cover frivolous prayers such as lotteries, stock portfolios or sporting events.
Male Caller: I see.
Support Rep: Would you like to upgrade to Evangelical?

Recording: Hello, I'm an automated operator. In order to properly direct your call, please say the name of your religion.
Caller: Buddhism.
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: Buddhism!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say--
Caller: BUDDHISM!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could--
Caller: BOO-DIZ-UMM!!!!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: (Sighs) Christianity.
Recording: Very good. Let's proceed...
CygnusX1
Posts: 17306
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:53 pm
Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

^^^ :lol:


A guy is driving around the Appalaichian coal towns of southern West
Virginia, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style
house:

"Talking Dog For Sale"

He rings the bell, and the owner appears. He tells him the dog is in the
back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice-looking Labrador
Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the initial shock (of hearing a dog talk!), he
says:

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says:

"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted
to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all, they had me
jettin' from country to country and sittin' in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdroppin'..."


"I was one of their most valuable 'assets' for eight years' runnin.' But the
jettin' around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't gettin' any
younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security, wanderin' near suspicious characters
and listenin' in. I uncovered some incredible stuff, and was awarded
a big ol' batch of medals."


"I got married, had a mess o' puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is nearly in shock!

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.....


"Ten bucks an' he's yours!" the guy says.

"Ten dollars! This dog is amazing! Why're you sellin' him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Don't start none...won't be none.
CygnusX1
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Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:53 pm
Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

I was shopping at the 24hr. grocery store one night, where I selected:

1 half-gallon of 2% milk...
1 dozen eggs...
1 quart of orange juice...
1 head of lettuce...
a 2 lb. can of coffee...and
a 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items onto the belt to check out, a drunk woman
standing behind me watched, as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk woman calmly
stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
woman's intuition - since I indeed had never found my "Queen."

I looked at the six items on the belt, and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the tipsy female to my
marital status.

With curiosity getting the better of me, I said:

"Yes...Yes, I am...But...how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk lass giggled, rolled her eyes, pointed at me and replied:

"Cause you're ugly."
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,
"Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say,
"Oh My God ."
This space for rent
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