The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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moYrseYcZode
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:53 pm
- Location: St.Louis, Missouri
How true, HairyWalkinghairball wrote:OK fine...................let me find something to take the PIG offa me.
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
! J/K, Schu, don't hurt me 
! *hides in fear*I see, and then I drool...
In the "it is very important" department, you forgot:moYrseYcZode wrote:How true, HairyWalkinghairball wrote:OK fine...................let me find something to take the PIG offa me.
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
55. Always say NO when she asks: "Does this _____ make me look fat?"
Don't start none...won't be none.
A West Virginia Story...
(Relax...I lived there....I can tell this joke dammit)
A West Virginia Trooper was dispatched to a grisly two-vehicle accident on the WV Turnpike...
Upon arrival on the scene, the Trooper took out his notebook and pen to take down facts of the mishap.
He jots down notes while affirming to himself (out loud): "Vehicle #1...in ("i-n") left ("l-e-f-t") ditch" ("d-i-t-c-h").
He looks over to one side: "Vehicle #2 in ("i-n") right ("r-i-g-h-t") ditch" ("d-i-t-c-h")
As he is standing in the median, he peers down at his feet, in which a victim's decapitated head lay: "Human head in ("i-n) middle ("m-i-d-e") scratches that out...("m-i-d-l") scratches that out and kicks head ("h-e-a-d-- i-n-- l-e-f-t-- d-i-t-c-h").
(Relax...I lived there....I can tell this joke dammit)
A West Virginia Trooper was dispatched to a grisly two-vehicle accident on the WV Turnpike...
Upon arrival on the scene, the Trooper took out his notebook and pen to take down facts of the mishap.
He jots down notes while affirming to himself (out loud): "Vehicle #1...in ("i-n") left ("l-e-f-t") ditch" ("d-i-t-c-h").
He looks over to one side: "Vehicle #2 in ("i-n") right ("r-i-g-h-t") ditch" ("d-i-t-c-h")
As he is standing in the median, he peers down at his feet, in which a victim's decapitated head lay: "Human head in ("i-n) middle ("m-i-d-e") scratches that out...("m-i-d-l") scratches that out and kicks head ("h-e-a-d-- i-n-- l-e-f-t-- d-i-t-c-h").
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Sorry Leon...Check this out....I think it's funny, but it's real...
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
(Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law [gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed]
or some variant.)
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time,
so we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions, and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop, until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY 'A'.
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
(Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law [gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed]
or some variant.)
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time,
so we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions, and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop, until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY 'A'.
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
I've seen that one before, it rocks.
Try this one.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
Try this one.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
This space for rent
Cool, but sounds too much like where I work....all you need is a strong back and a weak mind.Walkinghairball wrote:I've seen that one before, it rocks.
Try this one.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
Don't start none...won't be none.
I got this from a fellow By-Torian in an e-mail.
How To Save Your Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The next day, the local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!!
The bishop was buried the next day.
How To Save Your Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The next day, the local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!!
The bishop was buried the next day.
Onward and Upward!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Cool...I just got that in a e-mail Friday...man....things get around quick!awip2062 wrote:I got this from a fellow By-Torian in an e-mail.
How To Save Your Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The next day, the local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!!
The bishop was buried the next day.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. (The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.)
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day, at 8:45 AM, there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up!
At the end of the line stands Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement, as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little "package" between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter!! After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena:
"I'm sorry," he says to her (barely able to keep a straight face), "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. (The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.)
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day, at 8:45 AM, there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up!
At the end of the line stands Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement, as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little "package" between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter!! After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena:
"I'm sorry," he says to her (barely able to keep a straight face), "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 8:32 pm
- Location: Confused state of mind.
REST IN PEACE
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
Funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
Casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
Casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
Doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the m ourners burst into
Laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
Sorry, I was just thinking of my own
Funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
Funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
Casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
Casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
Doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the m ourners burst into
Laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
Sorry, I was just thinking of my own
Funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.