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New World Man
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Email good ones

Post by New World Man »

Hey gang,
here is a place to post the best email jokes, trivia, etc........that comes your way. :-D


Disorder in the courts


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can! 't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
I'm in motion.
I am still.
I am crying.
I am still.
I'm together.
I'm apart.
I'm forever.
At the start.

Still... I am.
Yestermorrow
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Cat Bathing as a Martial Art Form

Post by Yestermorrow »

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art Form

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage, and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub.

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point, and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with yout foot, reach for your towel, and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

-- In a few days, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks, and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.
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New World Man
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Post by New World Man »

A well-known speaker started off his seminar

by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,

"Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you

but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground

and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it

because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,

we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt

by the decisions we make and

the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or

what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,

you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we

know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special- Don't EVER forget it."

Count your blessings, not your problems.

And remember: amateurs built the ark ...

professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
I'm in motion.
I am still.
I am crying.
I am still.
I'm together.
I'm apart.
I'm forever.
At the start.

Still... I am.
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New World Man
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Post by New World Man »

Thought this was funny. Hope it offends no one...

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back..or that you could crawl into a
hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who
did...


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and
walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were
looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,
I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To
this day, my Sister has never let me forget.


THIRD TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I
was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if
she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question
too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
training and I was on him constantly. One day we
stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so,
of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and
she was clean.
Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has
had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have
an accident?
"This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent
over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S
JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get
any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
I'm in motion.
I am still.
I am crying.
I am still.
I'm together.
I'm apart.
I'm forever.
At the start.

Still... I am.
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Me
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Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2003 6:20 am

Post by Me »

Alliteration is the name given to a near recurrence of the same initial sound...
in this instability it's givin that a joke thread already has an existence on the board.
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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New World Man
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Post by New World Man »

Me wrote:Alliteration is the name given to a near recurrence of the same initial sound...
in this instability it's givin that a joke thread already has an existence on the board.
This is a place for good emails. They could be jokes or curious observations, good pics, etc. that may not necessarily go on the joke thread. Thanks for the tip though! :D

Also trying to correct someone about a useless nonsense post is.............
............useless? :tongue3:

Just giving you a hard time, please don't take offence.
I'm in motion.
I am still.
I am crying.
I am still.
I'm together.
I'm apart.
I'm forever.
At the start.

Still... I am.
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Me
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Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2003 6:20 am

Post by Me »

Just giving you a hard time, please don't take offence. Of course, not I wish the same that you didn't take any offence at my useless offense either :-D
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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Me
Posts: 3086
Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2003 6:20 am

Post by Me »

>
> > by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
>
> >
>
> > 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
> laxative on
>
> > the same night.
>
> >
>
> > 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
> race has
>
> > not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
> word would
>
> > be "meetings."
>
> >
>
> > 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>
> >
>
> > 5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
> >
>
> > 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
>
> > (I wish I had!)
>
> >
>
> > 7. Never lick a steak knife.
>
> >
>
> > 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
>
> >
>
> > 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
> compelling
>
> > reason why we observe daylight savings time.
>
> >
>
> > 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
> suggests
>
> > that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
> emerging
>
> > from her at that moment.
>
> >
>
> > 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
> people to
>
> > make
>
> > a big deal about your birthday.
>
> > That time is age 21.
>
> >
>
> > 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
> age,
>
> > gender,
>
> > religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
> down
>
> > inside,
>
> > we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
>
> >
>
> > 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a
> nice
>
> > person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
>
> >
>
> > 14. Your friends love you anyway.
>
> >
>
> > 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
> amateur
>
> > built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
>
> >
>
> > 16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out
> as
>
> > grapes,
>
> > and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they
> turn
>
> > into
>
> > something acceptable to have dinner with.
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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Devil's Advocate
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Post by Devil's Advocate »

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New World Man
Posts: 131
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Post by New World Man »

And think, I'm usually the one to post snopes to people that email me. I was up too late last night. Will remove it, thanks! :shock:
I'm in motion.
I am still.
I am crying.
I am still.
I'm together.
I'm apart.
I'm forever.
At the start.

Still... I am.
User avatar
New World Man
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 4:01 am
Location: NC
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Post by New World Man »

http://www.grayace.com/dex/bunny.html

Cute site............Bunny Rap
I'm in motion.
I am still.
I am crying.
I am still.
I'm together.
I'm apart.
I'm forever.
At the start.

Still... I am.
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