The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

^^^^
LOL!
Onward and Upward!
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Me
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Post by Me »

>>THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
> >>
> >>There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
> >>name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to
> >>call him Onestone.
> >>After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

> >>'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
> >>
> >>The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
> >>
> >>Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning,
> >>Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
> >>forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love

> >>to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
> >>
> >>The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
do.
> >>
> >>Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
> >>woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
> >>Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
> >>Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
> >>
> >>Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
> >>love
to
> >>her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
> >>next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
> >>wouldn't die!
> >>
> >>What is the moral of this story?............
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>OH, come on...take a guess!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Think about it
> >>
> >>(You're going to love this!)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>And the moral is .......
> >>
> >>You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

LOL!

But he sure had fun trying, right?
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Yestermorrow
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Post by Yestermorrow »

He just did that because Sister Red Bird told him to flock off...
CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

KNOW YOUR U.S. STATE MOTTO

Alabama: "Hell Yeah, We Got Electricity."

Alaska: "11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!"

Arizona: "Yes, But It's A Dry Heat."

Arkansas: "Literacee Ain't Everythang."

California: "By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda."

Colorado: "If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother."

Connecticut: "Like Massachusetts - only smaller."

Delaware: "We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water."

Florida: "Ask Us About Our Grand kids - and Our Voting Skills."

Georgia: "We Put The 'Fun' In Fundamentalist Extremism."

Hawaii: "? Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru"
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: "More Than Just Potatoes."
(Well, Okay...We're Not...But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good)

Illinois: "Please, Don't Pronounce the 'S'."

Indiana: "2 Billion Years - And STILL Tidal Wave Free"

Iowa: "We Do Amazing Things With Corn."

Kansas: "The First Rectangle State."

Kentucky: "Five Million People - Fifteen Last Names."

Louisiana: "We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos."
(But That IS Our Tourism Campaign.)

Maine: "We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster."

Maryland: "If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It."

Massachusetts: "Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden, And Our Senators Are More Corrupt."

Michigan: "The First Line Of Defense From Canadians."

Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes... And 10 Billion Mosquitoes."

Mississippi: "Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State."

Missouri: "Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work."

Montana: "Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
Honest Elections."


Nebraska: "Ask About Our State Motto Contest."

Nevada: "Hookers and Poker!"

New Hampshire: "Go Away And Leave Us Alone."

New Jersey: "You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Ya ##$%##! Motto Right Heeahh Stunad"

New Mexico: "Lizards Make Excellent Pets."

New York: "You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney - And No Right To Self Defense!"

North Carolina: "TOBACCO IS A VEGETABLE."

North Dakota: "We Really Are One Of The 50 States!"

Ohio: "At Least We're Not Michigan."

Oklahoma: "Like The Play -Just No Singing."

Oregon: "Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner."

Pennsylvania: "Cook With Coal."

Rhode Island: "We're Not REALLY An Island."

South Carolina: "Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet."

South Dakota: "Closer Than North Dakota."

Tennessee: "Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum."

Texas: "Se Hable Ingles."

Utah: "Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus!"

Vermont: "Too liberal for the Kennedys."

Virginia: "Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-jawed Rednecks Don't Mix?"

Washington: "Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!"

West Virginia: "One Big Happy Family...Really."

Wisconsin: "Come...And Cut the Cheese!"

Wyoming: "Where Men are Men...and Sheep are Nervous."
(The Home of 'Brokeback Mountain')

The District of Columbia: "The Work-Free Drug Place"
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Gah...............funny !!!! :lol:
This space for rent
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.
This space for rent
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

OH MAN! That one hit me just right. :-D Thanks!
Onward and Upward!
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

Can't verify it, so this one's going in the joke thread:

Harsh you say?

1. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, and all government business will be conducted in our language.

2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote, no matter how long they are here.

3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.

4. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, nor any other government assistance programs.

5. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

6. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed to own waterfront property. That property is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.

7. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. If you do you will be sent home.

8. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.

Harsh, you say?...


S
C
R
O
L
L

D
O
W
N





The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of MEXICO!!!
Onward and Upward!
Soup4Rush
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Post by Soup4Rush »

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that
the paint and things that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Happy 2015!
CygnusX1
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Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works -
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show,
you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you have started and have never
finished."


Taking his advice, I looked around my house to see all
the things I started and hadn't finished, and before
leaving the house this morning, I finished:


- A bottle of Merlot...

- A bottle of White Zin...

- A bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream...

- A bottle of Kahlua...

- A package of Oreos...

- The remainder of my old Prozac prescription...

- The rest of the cheesecake...

- Some Doritos "shards"...

....and a box of chocolate.

You have no freaking idea how GOOD I feel right now.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be
in need of inner peace.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Soup4Rush
Posts: 17557
Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 8:17 am

Post by Soup4Rush »

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
>>
>> The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
>> "Hello."
>>
>> "Mrs. Ward, please."
>>
>> "Speaking"
>>
>> "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical
>> Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your
>> husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
>> another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now
>> uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the
>> results are either bad or terrible."
>>
>>
>>
>> "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
>>
>> "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
>> Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positi ve for
>> AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
>>
>>
>>
>> "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked
>> Mrs.Ward.
>>
>> "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these
>> expensive tests one time."
>>
>> "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>>
>> "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
>> husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he
>> finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Happy 2015!
CygnusX1
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Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

awip2062 wrote:The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of MEXICO!!!
t !! Check this out!

http://www.kerman94.com/mexicotourism.html
Don't start none...won't be none.
CygnusX1
Posts: 17306
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:53 pm
Location: We don't call 911 here.

Post by CygnusX1 »

Why the British wore Red Coats:

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.

They took him to their headquarters, and A French General
began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked:

"Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you
know the red material makes you easier targets for us to
shoot at?'

In his bland English way, the Colonel informed the General
that the reason English officers wear red coats is that, if
they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they
are leading won't panic.

And that is why my friends, from that day to this, that
all French Army officers wear brown pants.
Don't start none...won't be none.
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

CygnusX1 wrote:
awip2062 wrote:The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of MEXICO!!!
t !! Check this out!

http://www.kerman94.com/mexicotourism.html
DUDE! I love it! I am going to send it to some people!
Onward and Upward!
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