The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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KaelMwithascrubbrush
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Post by KaelMwithascrubbrush »

Continuing with the lawyer theme:

What is the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?


There are always skid marks in front of the skunk.
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright
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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude »

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

How do you define double jeopardy?
When a lawyer calls in her partner.

What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

What's worse than pleading guilty to murder, getting jail time, and and subsequently getting beaten and sodomized in jail?
Hiring an attorney to defend you.

What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
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KaelMwithascrubbrush
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Post by KaelMwithascrubbrush »

Variation on the lawyer/librarian joke:

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and the Godfather?
You get an offer you can't understand.

------
What do you get when you have five lawyers drowned at the bottom of a pool?

A good start. :shock:
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright
KaelMwithascrubbrush
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Post by KaelMwithascrubbrush »

"Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright
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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude »

KaelMwithascrubbrush wrote:"Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"
Yikes!!! That hit way too close to home...
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

Your wife was high needs, too, hunh?
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita
were sitting by the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita,
let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now - let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time ONLY, we do
Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both burst into song:

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! :headbang:
Don't start none...won't be none.
CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

For some time, many of us have wondered - just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children:

Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins, Deep and Dip.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years,
Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son - with a rather nervous disposition - named Chicken.

Two of the other six children, Fulla and Giva, were inseparable
throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

I interviewed a gentleman for a television field technician position. His background did not reflect any type of experience in electronics or televisions. I asked him if he had ever taken the back off of a TV and actually seen the inside.

His response was this, "Are you kidding? It's dangerous back there!" Needless to say, he did not get the position.


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I once asked a candidate if there was anything he did not like to do, expecting an answer related to the computer programming position he was applying for. After much debate, he answered, "I don't like to clean my bathtub."


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Upon assisting in viewing some applications for warehouse assistants on a previous job, I came across an interesting response. Under the ethnic race section, the applicant checked the "other" box and had written in Human. A very unique answer indeed. That individual was hired for the position.
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I was hiring for a collector position and received a resume with the following as the candidate's Goals and Objectives:
"I want to be successful as everyone does, but I want to kick it up a knotch (his misspell) and be VERY successful and become #1 in everything when it comes to professional, family, and personal way of life."
You want to be VERY successful? Why didn't you tell me before? What a novel goal in life. Does Emeril know you are using his phrase? Thanks for your time -- next!


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When a prospective employee tested positive for his drug screen, we called him to inform him that he was not eligible for hire. His response was, "I smoked pot three weeks ago at a party and didn't think it would show, but now it should be OK. Can I take it again?"
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Several years ago, my place of business was located at 140 West 51st St. in New York City. A job applicant set up an appointment for an interview but cancelled the day before because he was not feeling well. Fair enough.
We rescheduled the appointment for 10:30 a.m. a few days later. On the scheduled day, he called around 10 a.m. to say he was stuck in traffic and would be a little late. Again, fair enough.

At about 10:45, he called to say he would be even later, because he went by mistake to 1240 West 51st St. instead of 140 West 51st St.

I could not resist asking him, "How's the water today?" He seemed puzzled, until I explained that there is no such address as 1240 West 51st St., because the last address before the Hudson River is in the 1100s. He then confessed that he simply had overslept. He was admittedly a very creative fellow and perhaps was a good swimmer, but given the lack of honesty, we went on to the next applicant.


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We had a gentleman come in one day and fill out an application for employment. When he reached the part of the application asking, "Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, please explain," he responded with the following answer: "Yes -- a Mr. Meanor." Needless to say, it was the highlight of our day.
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As an HR manager, I was reviewing an application for a construction worker. Under "Ever convicted of a felony?" the applicant wrote "Breaking and entering." Under "Any other special skills?" Applicant wrote "Good with hand tools." No kidding.
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog
and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread
every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll
have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if
he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would
you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves!"

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you
get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"


He replied:


"I can't believe it.....

everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10 (true sports fan)
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.-- Freddie, age 6.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8 (so true)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day! I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is....HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10 (future diplomat)
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

The Pope & Hillary


The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same
stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before,
so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the
Pope:

"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can
make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, but did you know that with just one little
wave of MY hand, I can make EVERY person in the crowd go
crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display - like
that of your subjects - but will go deep into their hearts, and they
will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Senator seriously doubts this, and says so:

"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever?"

"Show me."


So the Pope slapped her. :P
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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude »

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

THE RETIREMENT BONUS


The U.S. Marine Corps found they had too many officers
and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early
retirement bonus.

They promised any Officer or senior enlisted man (who
volunteered for retirement) a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points on the body
.

Those applying got to choose what two points would be used.

The first Officer who accepted asked that he be measured from
the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet, and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second Officer who accepted was a little smarter - and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a Non-Commissioned Officer, a grizzly old
Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be
measured, replied:

"From the tip of my Johnson to my doo-dads."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider - explaining about the nice big checks the previous
two officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted, and they decided to go along with
him - providing the measurement was taken by a Medical
Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to
"Drop Trou," which he did.

The Medical officer then placed the tape measure on the tip of his
tallywacker and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed,

"Where are your testicles?"


The old Devil Dog calmly replied.........:





VVV








"Vietnam"
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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