The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Dec 21, 2007 9:36 am

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN....


....Who's jolly and carefree....

....Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit....

....Chuckling and laughing away....

....While flying around in a miniature sleigh....

....With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along....


Then let's face it...




Your eggnog's too strong!



Merry Christmas and a Happy 2008!
Don't start none...won't be none.

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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 » Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:06 pm

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from
his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept
for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog
comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Onward and Upward!

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:47 pm

Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude » Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:49 pm

^^^^^

You left off, "Look at Mike Ditka!"
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
Image

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:53 pm

ElfDude wrote:^^^^^

You left off, "Look at Mike Ditka!"

LMAO!!!
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:30 pm

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable m an, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur .

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?














Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down














The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Onward and Upward!

KaelMwithascrubbrush
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Post by KaelMwithascrubbrush » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:54 pm

ElfDude wrote:^^^^^

You left off, "Look at Mike Ditka!"
You also forgot, "He's having a hard time holding on to the ball." :?
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:29 am

A hunter legally harvests a White-Tailed Deer, field-dresses it,
butchers it and takes some home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
of meat it is, but will give them a clue....and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plate(s), so
they begged their dad for the big clue.

"Well," he said: "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother:



"Don't eat it - it's asshole!"
Don't start none...won't be none.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:09 am

Thought you might appreciate this little-known bit of knowledge:

Many of you will recall that, on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years
ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with
five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside
Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is, in the month of March 1948
(nine months after that historic day), the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr....

Hillary Rodham Clinton....

William J. Clinton....

John F. Kerry....

Howard Dean....

Nancy Pelosi....

Dianne Feinstein....

Charles E. Schumer....

and Barbara Boxer.



See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Don't start none...won't be none.

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Thu Jan 10, 2008 8:25 am

H A R F ! ! ! :razz: :razz: :razz:
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KaelMwithascrubbrush
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Post by KaelMwithascrubbrush » Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:45 pm

CygnusX1 wrote:...The little girl screams to her brother:

"Don't eat it - it's asshole!"
SNArF





from an actual court transcript:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Jan 11, 2008 6:31 am

^^^

That was pretty damn close. LOL


DRIVING WITH DAD


A father, who worked away from home all week, always made
a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning, he would take his 7-year old daughter
out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he
really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came
to the rescue, and said that she would take their daughter
out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what?

We didn't see a single 'dumb bastard' or 'lousy shithead'
the whole ride...."
Don't start none...won't be none.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:01 am

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you - but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Older Woman: "I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving..."

Officer: "I see. I need your vehicle registration please."

Older Woman: "I can't do that...."

Officer: "Why not?"

Older Woman : "I stole this car!"

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: "Yep...I killed and hacked up the owner as well."

Officer: You what ?

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want to see..."

The Officer looked at the woman and slowly backed away to his
car and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn
weapon....


Officer 2: "Ma'am, step out of the vehicle please..."

The woman complies and slowly egresses her vehicle.

Older woman: "Is there a problem Sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered its owner."


Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"

Officer 2: "Yes...please open the trunk...."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing....but an empty
trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, here is the registration...."

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license."


The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse
and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines her license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, murdered and
hacked up the owner."




VVV




VVV




VVV




Older Woman: "I'll bet the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too...."
Don't start none...won't be none.

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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 » Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:10 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on
'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the
problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he's
acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road
so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that
he can just drive across the road and not live his
life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our
side of the road, or not. The chicken is either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see
the satellite image of the chicken crossing the
road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the
other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I
am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why
it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see
the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other
side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media white washes with
seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's
as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra...#@&&^(C% ...... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

REV JESSE JACKSON
The Federal Govt failed to do their duty and properly
take care of the chicken on this side of the road. The
chicken shouldn't have had to be forced to go to the
other side. This Administration is not for the people.
Onward and Upward!

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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 » Tue Jan 15, 2008 2:31 pm

I don't know if these are really from 2007 as I think I've seen the last one before and some others look familiar, but they are funny.

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007:
(Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says




Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers




Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over





Miners Refuse to Work after Death



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant




War Dims Hope for Peace







If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures



Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide




Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges




Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge




New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group





Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Onward and Upward!

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