I remember one from over thirty years ago...
"Local massage parlors rub city officials wrong way"
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
hehehe, I can picture that one, Elf.
Here are some cake mistakes I found:
For my 40th birthday, my husband decided to surprise me with a birthday cake from our local bakery. "In the middle please print 'Happy Birthday Nita,'" he instructed them over the phone. "Then, 'you're not getting older' at the top and 'you're getting better' at the bottom."
When he went to pick it up, he discovered that they had decorated the cake with the words exactly as he had said them. "Happy Birthday Nita, you're not getting older at the top, you're getting better at the bottom."
_______________________
When my mother-in-law ordered a cake for my wedding anniversary, she made a point of instructing the bakery, "That's Thompson with a 'p'." Later when she went to pick her order up, she noticed that on the box they had written "Mrs. Phompson."
_______________________
There's a married couple whose birthdays fall on the same date, which they naturally celebrate pretty lavishly. Just before their last birthday, the lady stopped in at her neighborhood bakeshop and ordered a cake with "Happy Birthdays" on it. "You see, two of us are having a birthday," she explained to the clerk. "So I want it to say 'Happy Birthdays' ? plural."
The clerk wrote the instructions down carefully, and sure enough, when the cake was delivered, it had "Happy Birthdays Plural" on it.
_______________________
When Marlyn Wade ordered a birthday cake for her husband in a tres chic French patisserie in Murwillumbah, the assistant (with a delightful French accent) asked if it was for "a guy or a girl". "A guy," Marlyn assured him. "But," says June Howard, Marlyn's mother, "on picking it up later, she read on the work of art in blue icing - Happy birthday Guy. Her husband's name is Peter. Delicious cake, though!"
_______________________
It's always risky ordering cakes to be iced (Column 8, Wednesday). Liz Ralston, of Frenchs Forest, who belongs to Inner Wheel, a worldwide organisation of partners of Rotarians, phoned a patisserie and ordered a special cake for the Ryde Inner Wheel Club. The cake came, inscribed: Ride in a Wheel.
______________________
Our mountaintop communications site in Taiwan in the 1970s decided to have an anniversary party. The Chinese cooks baked a beautiful birthday cake as instructed by the mess hall sergeant. Everything was perfect except for one thing.
Since they did not know what frosting was, they substituted lard.
Here are some cake mistakes I found:
For my 40th birthday, my husband decided to surprise me with a birthday cake from our local bakery. "In the middle please print 'Happy Birthday Nita,'" he instructed them over the phone. "Then, 'you're not getting older' at the top and 'you're getting better' at the bottom."
When he went to pick it up, he discovered that they had decorated the cake with the words exactly as he had said them. "Happy Birthday Nita, you're not getting older at the top, you're getting better at the bottom."
_______________________
When my mother-in-law ordered a cake for my wedding anniversary, she made a point of instructing the bakery, "That's Thompson with a 'p'." Later when she went to pick her order up, she noticed that on the box they had written "Mrs. Phompson."
_______________________
There's a married couple whose birthdays fall on the same date, which they naturally celebrate pretty lavishly. Just before their last birthday, the lady stopped in at her neighborhood bakeshop and ordered a cake with "Happy Birthdays" on it. "You see, two of us are having a birthday," she explained to the clerk. "So I want it to say 'Happy Birthdays' ? plural."
The clerk wrote the instructions down carefully, and sure enough, when the cake was delivered, it had "Happy Birthdays Plural" on it.
_______________________
When Marlyn Wade ordered a birthday cake for her husband in a tres chic French patisserie in Murwillumbah, the assistant (with a delightful French accent) asked if it was for "a guy or a girl". "A guy," Marlyn assured him. "But," says June Howard, Marlyn's mother, "on picking it up later, she read on the work of art in blue icing - Happy birthday Guy. Her husband's name is Peter. Delicious cake, though!"
_______________________
It's always risky ordering cakes to be iced (Column 8, Wednesday). Liz Ralston, of Frenchs Forest, who belongs to Inner Wheel, a worldwide organisation of partners of Rotarians, phoned a patisserie and ordered a special cake for the Ryde Inner Wheel Club. The cake came, inscribed: Ride in a Wheel.
______________________
Our mountaintop communications site in Taiwan in the 1970s decided to have an anniversary party. The Chinese cooks baked a beautiful birthday cake as instructed by the mess hall sergeant. Everything was perfect except for one thing.
Since they did not know what frosting was, they substituted lard.
Onward and Upward!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A Washington State farmer dies and is sent to Hell.
When he gets there it's 95 F with 90% humidity, but Satan notices that the farmer is kicked back on the brimstone, relaxing comfortably.
He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?"
The farmer replies: "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in Eastern Washington. I like it."
Angrily, Satan turns up the thermostat until its 100 F and 95%
humidity. Still the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."
Furiously, Satan turns it up to 105 F and 99% humidity. Everyone is
even more miserable, except the farmer who is still resting.
"Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay - feels
good, the hotter the better."
In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 F. Within
seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by
solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, then,
suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere
and begins to laugh, scream, and jump for joy
"The SEAHAWKS won the Super Bowl!!"
"The SEAHAWKS won the Super Bowl!!"
"The SEAHAWKS won the Super Bowl!!"
When he gets there it's 95 F with 90% humidity, but Satan notices that the farmer is kicked back on the brimstone, relaxing comfortably.
He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?"
The farmer replies: "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in Eastern Washington. I like it."
Angrily, Satan turns up the thermostat until its 100 F and 95%
humidity. Still the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."
Furiously, Satan turns it up to 105 F and 99% humidity. Everyone is
even more miserable, except the farmer who is still resting.
"Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay - feels
good, the hotter the better."
In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 F. Within
seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by
solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, then,
suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere
and begins to laugh, scream, and jump for joy
"The SEAHAWKS won the Super Bowl!!"
"The SEAHAWKS won the Super Bowl!!"
"The SEAHAWKS won the Super Bowl!!"
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, "C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!!!!!"
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, "C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!!!!!"
This space for rent
-
Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
This space for rent
Walkinghairball wrote:WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, "C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!!!!!"
HOLLA! ROFL
Don't start none...won't be none.
Three Things to Ponder
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three
years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And,
they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each
of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse
is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work environment .
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three
years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And,
they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each
of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse
is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work environment .
Onward and Upward!
From Fact or Fiction?
Legend: Questions that people have allegedly asked of Park Rangers around the country.
Origins: Reportedly excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.
Grand Canyon National Park:
* Was this man-made?
* Do you light it up at night?
* I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom ? where is it?
* Is the mule train air conditioned?
* So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park:
* Are the alligators real?
* Are the baby alligators for sale?
* Where are all the rides?
* What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska):
* What time do you feed the bears?
* Can you show me where the yeti lives?
* How often do you mow the tundra?
* How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park:
* Did people build this, or did Indians?
* Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
* Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
* Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
* How much of the cave is underground?
* So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
* Does it ever rain in here?
* How many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?
* So what is this ? just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
* Where are the cages for the animals?
* What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Yellowstone National Park:
* Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
* How do you turn it on?
* When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
* We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Legend: Questions that people have allegedly asked of Park Rangers around the country.
Origins: Reportedly excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.
Grand Canyon National Park:
* Was this man-made?
* Do you light it up at night?
* I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom ? where is it?
* Is the mule train air conditioned?
* So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park:
* Are the alligators real?
* Are the baby alligators for sale?
* Where are all the rides?
* What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska):
* What time do you feed the bears?
* Can you show me where the yeti lives?
* How often do you mow the tundra?
* How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park:
* Did people build this, or did Indians?
* Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
* Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
* Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
* How much of the cave is underground?
* So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
* Does it ever rain in here?
* How many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?
* So what is this ? just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
* Where are the cages for the animals?
* What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Yellowstone National Park:
* Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
* How do you turn it on?
* When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
* We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Onward and Upward!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.