The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Susan walks into the pub, trying to shake off the drunken stupor from the previous night.
"Hey susan, wanna beer", say's Fred the bar tender.
"Oh no thanks Fred, I'm not drinking another drop of booze, EVER!"
"Your kidding right suzie", said Fred.
"Oh no, I will never drink again."
"Can't be that bad, what you got sick, a huge hangover, or what, come on and have a beer".
"Sick, ha! Hangover HA!" Said Susan, "Hell Fred, I got so sick, I blew chunks".
"Susan", Said Fred, "everyone gets sick from drinking." "Hell, I threw up this morning too".
"No Fred, You just don't get it".........................."Chunks is my dog."
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Sir Myghin
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Post by Sir Myghin »

EWWWWWW but hilarious but EWWWWWWWW
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."
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Xanadu
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Post by Xanadu »

:twisted:

So there are two gay guys taking a shower...Chris (krith) and Bruce (Bruth)

CHRIS: I am going to the store to buy some condoms.

BRUCE: Ok...I'll be in the shower when you get back.

CHRIS: Now don't do like you did last time and wack-off while I am gone.

BRUCE: Ok.

**Chris leaves and returns later to find Bruce in the shower with semen all over the tile...

CHRIS: I though you weren't going to wack-off!?

BRUCE: I didn't....I farted! :-D
We're all mad here!
Sir Myghin
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Post by Sir Myghin »

the five stages of drunkenness...


Smart:
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Good Looking:
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Rich:
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage because, of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Bulletproof:
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Invisible:
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
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Slaine mac Roth
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Post by Slaine mac Roth »

Pretty much all of them and the ones that didn't were because of 'cultural' references that I don't quite understand.

*ahem*

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
'Do not despise the snake for having no horns, for who is to say it will not become a dragon?'
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3 travelers
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Post by 3 travelers »

Alrighty then.... Being of some Polish decent... I'm mostly Italian... here's a lil' Polish joke for ya... How did the Polish guy fall out of the tree??..... He was raking leaves!!!
LEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."
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Sir Myghin
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Post by Sir Myghin »

And you wonder why foreigners have trouble with the English language. (From Pat Brentani of the Boston BBS.) - The bandage was wound around the wound. - The farm was used to produce produce. - The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. - He could lead if he would get the lead out. - The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. - Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. - A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. - When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. - A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. - The insurance was invalid for the invalid. - There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. - They were too close to the door to close it. - The buck does funny things when the does are present. - To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. - The wind was too strong to wind the sail. - After a number of injections my jaw got number. - Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. - I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. - How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Poetic Justice
This wonderful bit of followup on the news courtesy of Durham Herald-Sun columnist Carl Daniels-Kinney:

I'm sure many of you are aware that about two weeks ago, the US Supreme Court ruled that the state of Missouri cannot discriminate against the Ku Klux Klan when it comes to groups that want to participate in the adopt-a-highway program. Of course, while the name of the Klan is aesthetically disgusting, we'd all agree that this decision is a victory for free speech and equal protection under the law, right?

Well, the DOT in Missouri has gotten their revenge, and boy is it sweet. Sure, they can't remove the KKK's adopt-the-highway sign, but few would dispute the state's ability to name the highway itself.
The KKK is now cleaning up a stretch of the newly-christened Rosa Parks Freeway.
Sir Myghin
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Post by Sir Myghin »

ENGLISH EDUCATION AT ITS FINEST
Following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams(16 year olds)!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Technology Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
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H3WMW
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Post by H3WMW »

Two fat blokes are sitting in a pub. One says to the other, "Your round" and the other says, "So are you, ya fat git!!"


Two cows are in a field. One cow says, "MOOOO" and the other says, "Damn, I was gonna say that!!!!"


Two cats are sitting on a wall. One says to the other, "It's warm today, I need a saucer of milk," and the other says, "WOW!!! A talking cat!!!"

:razz: :razz: :razz: :razz:
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age.
How do you feel?'
Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"
"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants. :razz:
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ladirushfan80
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Post by ladirushfan80 »

SEX FOR MONEY
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

MAJORITY
The organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.

CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was easy.

SO UGLY
I know a guy so ugly that when he went to Michael Jackson's house, he had to sleep in his own bed.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

ladirushfan80 wrote:SEX FOR MONEY


SO UGLY
I know a guy so ugly that when he went to Michael Jackson's house, he had to sleep in his own bed.

DAMN............... I just snarfed my soda all over the computer.
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