The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

From my German mom:

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Onward and Upward!
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Big Blue Owl
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Post by Big Blue Owl »

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I am in a technical, very professionally conducted training class right now and I just laughed so loud I scared some and made the others bust out laughing.

Thanks for that, t and t's mom :-D

I'm drinking tonight. Health, not poop :-)
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

awip2062 wrote:From my German mom:

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
:headbang: That's why the first settlers brought WHAT over with them?

That's right boys and girls.......they brought BEER and WINE.

(the water couldn't be trusted on the long float.) oh it's true.
Don't start none...won't be none.
CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

The Hillbilly

On a hot Summer day, a West Virginian came into town with
his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree, and went
into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later, a Sheriff's Deputy came into the bar and
asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The hillbilly said
that it was his.

The Deputy said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way the dawg's in heat...she's cool
'kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The lawman says, "No! You don't understand - your dog needs
bred."

"No way," the redneck says, "That dang dog don't need bread,
she ain't hongry, 'kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the Deputy gets mad and yells out: "NO NO NO! You don't
seem to understand - your dog wants to have SEX!"

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says:

"Go 'head. I always wanted me a po-leece dog."
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Po


:shock:


Leece

:shock:


dog


*SNARF* :lol: :lol: :lol:
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

thankyeeeeeewwwwww.....

while I'm on a roll:

Two medical students were walking along the street in
Minneapolis, when they saw an old man walking with his
legs spread apart....

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he
has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old
man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to
him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the
way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the affliction you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what
you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said:



VVV




VVV



"I thought it was a fart....................but I was wrong." :P
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Mr. Potatoe Head
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Post by Mr. Potatoe Head »

LMAO :-)

a boy was going fishing using peanut butter as bait to catch jelly-fish.

Papa mole comes out of his hole and say's: I smell pancakes
Mama mole comes out of the hole next and sniffs the air and say's: I smell pancakes.
Baby mole runs out of the hole inbetween the legs of papa and mama mole sniffs and says:.......




























I smell molasses!
CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

^^^

:-D good stuff too
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Rock on Spud..................LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 »

I have a dog, and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart,
and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. :roll: :x

On impulse, I told her:

"No, I'm starting the "Purina Diet" again, although I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital the last time, and I
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward - with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms!"

I told her that it was, essentially, a perfect diet, and the way that it
works is: You load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the
food is nutritionally complete - so I was going to try it - "again."

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was,
by now, enthralled with my story - particularly a guy who was
in line behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

Here it comes y'all....stay with me...

I told her:

"No; it was because I was sitting in the street
licking my ass and a car hit me!"
:x :???: :razz:

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack!

He was laughing SO hard as he staggered out the door....

Stupid woman....why else would I buy dog food??
Don't start none...won't be none.
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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude »

Cyg? That's not really your story, is it? :-D
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball »

Yeah I know these are old but why not.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.

Did you hear about the three blondes who were driving to Disneyland?
After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.

These two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude »

After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
That was awesome!!! :-D
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked
Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to
take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had
managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried
to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, and I even
took a-her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" The
Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied,
"I'm a-gonna go and get her."
Onward and Upward!
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 »

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse
thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in theMontana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
And THAT is how it's done folks!
Onward and Upward!
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