The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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Sir Myghin
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Post by Sir Myghin » Tue Dec 04, 2007 8:08 pm

In April the US invented a new 21000 pound bomb. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered.


French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.


Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once.


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." ?Jacques Chirac, President of France
[hmmmmm......really??? As far as France is concerned, you're right.]



Why did the French start using garlic?
To improve their breath.


You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
He's the one with a duck.
How do you know if an Italian is there?
He bet on the duck.
How do you know if the Mafia is there?
The duck wins.


How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.


What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
The Frenchwoman smells better but the werewolf is not quite as hairy.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Wed Dec 05, 2007 4:53 am

ElfDude wrote:
KaelMwithascrubbrush wrote:If there are more than three electronic talking fish inside your home... you might be a redneck.
Boy oh boy... you may have just opened quite a can of worms... :-D
does one talking fish and a talking deer head count? :shock: :lol:

**hopes to keep redneck status on the downlow**
Don't start none...won't be none.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Wed Dec 05, 2007 6:02 am

this deleted post brought to you by the letter "M".
Last edited by CygnusX1 on Wed Dec 05, 2007 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
Don't start none...won't be none.

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Big Blue Owl
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Post by Big Blue Owl » Wed Dec 05, 2007 9:31 am

Oopsie...now you've done it :shock:

Muslim Marshmallows Burnt In Effigy While Protesting Hilarious Joke!
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Wed Dec 05, 2007 10:07 am

Next they will be cutting cows heads off in protest.


Film at 11.
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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 » Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:42 pm

WORRY

Is there a magic cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable for their own
Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators in
The lives of their children and shrug, "It's
Their life," and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital
Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few
Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, "When do
You stop worrying?" The nurse said,
"When they get out of the accident stage." My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little
Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my
Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career making
License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher
Said, "Don't worry, they all go through
This stage and then you can sit back, relax and
Enjoy them." My dad just smiled
Faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime
Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come
Home, the front door to open. A friend said,
"They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,
In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be
Adults." My dad just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being
Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my
Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There
Was nothing I could do about it. My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I
Continued to anguish over their failures, be
Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in
Their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I
Could stop worrying and lead my own
Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was
Haunted by my dad's warm smile and his
Occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right?
Call me the minute you get home. Are
You depressed about something?"
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a
Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
Human frailties and the fears of the
Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue
That elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable
Recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been
Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried."
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
Onward and Upward!

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Dec 07, 2007 7:02 am

^^^

That is SO TRUE!

Good one t. \m/ \m/
Don't start none...won't be none.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Dec 07, 2007 12:39 pm

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the company party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad
as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water, on the nightstand.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed....

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house....

He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror!

Then, he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror,
written in red, with little hearts on it - and a kiss mark from his wife
in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight."

"I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son:

"So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me!"

His son replied, "Oh, THAT!"

"... Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed: 'Leave me alone, I'm married!"


Broken Coffee Table - $239.99

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Two Aspirins - $1.38

Saying the right thing at the right time....PRICELESS.
Don't start none...won't be none.

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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude » Fri Dec 07, 2007 12:50 pm

^^^^^^

Excellent!
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:03 pm

thankYEEEEEEEEW.......I'll be playing the Holiday Inn all weekend. LOL

here's a snicker:

Because of SNAFUS in air travel, a man and a woman were forced to
complete their trip on a train in Europe.

And-while married to different people-and because it was last minute arrangements,
they were forced to share a sleeping berth.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired, and fell asleep quickly...she in the upper bunk,
and he in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the woman leaned over and gently woke the man
saying:

"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," he replied.

"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

At first, she was taken aback, but then exclaimed:

"Wow! That's a GREAT idea!"

"Good," he replied...."Now get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence......she farted. :lol:
Don't start none...won't be none.

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Tue Dec 11, 2007 8:32 am

Top 8 Morons of 2007 (So Far)

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Wed Dec 12, 2007 6:22 am

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination ma'am?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?"

"Alright, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran
and 22 Baptists....."
Don't start none...won't be none.

KaelMwithascrubbrush
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Post by KaelMwithascrubbrush » Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:49 pm

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, ?no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.? The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says ?no?!

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes??
"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright

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ElfDude
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Post by ElfDude » Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:56 pm

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
At the city morgue.
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
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zepboy
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Post by zepboy » Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:02 pm

Ya know why they bury lawyers 100 feet deep after they've passed on?


Because deep down they're good people.

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