17 Ways Women Fail In Bed (WARNING! ADULT CONTENT!)

[Ogg]

A little unsure I should post this but it made me chuckle. Probably delete it after a day, before it scorches the page!

XXX 17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

WARNING< RUDE CONTENT! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
















1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's d*ck don't grab it like a bus rail and
start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if
it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is
a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held
tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face
should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's d*ck don't just get on the end of the thing
and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should
be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show
your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that
he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried
away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white
love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not
enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole
sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face,
don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful
union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in
most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his
happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked
to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does
not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If
you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving
anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you
don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with
yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his
sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed
everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you
going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth
off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone
to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10
minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act
of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's
ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that
you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you
expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and
we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some
effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can
satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion
that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real
man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from
her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes
your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it
looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice
sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man
would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and
get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without
savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of
Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line
like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun
and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and
energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has
lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A
man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice
when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm
after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into
well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy
that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the
practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.




Can't believe I've just posted this.

[Ogg]

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and
energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has
lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A
man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice
when one's prowess is appreciated.

[*Lifesonite]

You do realize that you are laughing at your own dirty jokes, right?

[Ogg]

You do realize that you are laughing at your own dirty jokes, right?

When you've been married for fifteen years or achieve female contact of any kind for any regularity you soon appreciate the humour within.
I clearly stated Adults Only.

[awip2062]

Okay, I am an adult. I know that most times something is humourous simply because there is some truth to it.

I, as a woman, can see your point(s).

However, ummm......*ahem*.......I don't think I want my husband reading this. lol

[*Lifesonite]

I was only .... I was going to say yanking your chain, but I think I will go with busting your, no, teasing, no, joking around with you, Ogg.

It's fresh, it's funny and it's chauvinistic. What more does a guy need to bust a gut!?

[Thongirl]

I can deal with a mouthful but i hate it when sometimes it is chunky. Whats up with that?

[3 travelers]

I can deal with a mouthful but i hate it when sometimes it is chunky. Whats up with that?

I love u... Hi Hilda!!

[Thongirl]

I know all my boyfriends loved me. The first year i was married i had a few of them ask me if i was divorced yet. i said no not yet. that was 18 yrs ago.

[Thongirl]

so how's it hanging 3T?

[3 travelers]

so how's it hanging 3T?

It's hanging a little left right now. I'm fine... great to hear from you again.

[Thongirl]

Things are good here. Just got back from the spa. It was a b-day gift from hubby. You know men like a cook in the kitchen, a lady when company is around and a whore in bed. I did have a boyfriend for a very short while because he had that madona syndrom. It was good for him to get some then thought you were a whore for doing it. I hate guys who view women that way. The only thing is how to keep it fresh after 18 yrs. wear a wig?

[AuntBear]

Take it from me loves, if you're still married and getting any after 18 years... never mind being blissful or enjoying sex like you once did. BE GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!

[3 travelers]

Take it from me loves, if you're still married and getting any after 18 years... never mind being blissful or enjoying sex like you once did. BE GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!

I hear that!!! I'm married almost 6 years with two kids. There's just no energy left at the end of the day. Plus... who can hear you... who can walk in at any minute... etc... We have to have sex like a couple of Pantomimes... no words no sound. Kinda like sex with sub-titles

[Thongirl]

That is so true. My hubby says there is a red light that comes on when your doing it and the kids come knocking on the door. This red light goes off in your kids head when it is happening. The first day of scool last yr. my hubby took the day off so we could be alone. In the middle of it my hubby said Ted is now in school raising his hand telling the teacher he has to go home right now!!! ha ha ha