Comfort Album

ElfDude · Post by **ElfDude** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 7:06 pm

Ack! What did I say against women?

Kares4Rush · Post by **Kares4Rush** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 7:17 pm

Ack! Elfie! Reading back it may have come back wrong. I'm so sorry. I just remember when you were going over stuff with your wife and what she did it seemed you were encapsulating all women at the time and not just saying "her." Understandable.

I CAN'T go back and quote but issues of "trust" with women, etc.

ElfDude · Post by **ElfDude** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 8:10 pm

Kares4Rush wrote:Ack! Elfie! Reading back it may have come back wrong. I'm so sorry. I just remember when you were going over stuff with your wife and what she did it seemed you were encapsulating all women at the time and not just saying "her." Understandable.

I CAN'T go back and quote but issues of "trust" with women, etc.

I am SO sorry if I made any offensive generalizations about women. I had my issues for a few months... but I knew the source of it. I respect and love women. I think they play THE greatest role in society.

Ogg · Post by **Ogg** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:36 am

I am amazed at your response. I never knew so much comfort would come from here. On behalf of Elfie and myself, thankyou again.
I suppose I'm 'lucky' in the sense that our children will not be used as pawns. My eldest Daughter wishes to live with me for a while and that is simply great. My son I will see every day but it's still not the same as being there is it? sigh.
I'm playing 'Counterparts' the now and assorted Rush throughout.

Ogg · Post by **Ogg** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 3:41 am

Ogg's sanity update: I find myself constantly wishing 'if only I...' and 'what if...' . I'm regressing to our past for some kind of comfort I suppose. My mind is reeling, my emotions are are out of control and I still cant sleep. I wish I could somehow detach my mind for an hour, I need the rest.

ElfDude · Post by **ElfDude** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 9:08 am

That "what if I had only" stuff is all normal too. And from some accounts that I've read, it may never go away entirely. I know I still wonder about it too. BUT... we all have our agency. She makes her own choices.

My wife used to (and still will if I allow it) hit me with this barrage of everything I did wrong. I used to either ask why she didn't tell me about it when it was happeneing so I could fix it, or point out that when she DID tell me about it I remedied the situation and stopped doing whatever she was complaining about. But now I've learned that she has to do that to assuage her guilt. She knows deep down inside that she'd the one who did the really bad stuff. And since she could never admit to doing anything wrong, she has to constantly work to come up with more reasons to blame me.

I'm sure something similar is happening chez toi. Like I say, you may never stop wondering, but it's best not to dwell on it. It can be pretty crazy making.

Just so you know, I've learned that it's a common occurence that a woman will marry a man who she knows has problems... such as alcoholism. She will then spend years nagging at the man about his drinking problem. Then, when the day comes that he finally wises up and gets himself into rehab and quits drinking entirely... THAT'S when she leaves him. One would ask, "Why leave him after he finally did what you wanted? That doesn't make sense!" Well, the truth is that when they married, not only was he unhealthy but she was too. She needed those problems of his to exist so that she could use them as a weapon for control or power. Once those weapons were taken away, it became too scary for her to deal with.

The point of bringing up that little factoid is to illustrate that it's often more complex than it appears. The "what ifs" that we imagine, really may not have helped anything at all... sometimes even if they seem obvious.

Note to Kares: That illustration was not an anti-female anecdote. It's just something that happens more often than I ever knew, and when I learned of it, it helped me get over the big "WHY?" that I kept asking myself. I'll be the first to point out what creeps some men can be to their women.

happysmilies007 · Post by **happysmilies007** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 10:19 am

Ogg wrote:Ogg's sanity update: I find myself constantly wishing 'if only I...' and 'what if...' . I'm regressing to our past for some kind of comfort I suppose. My mind is reeling, my emotions are are out of control and I still cant sleep. I wish I could somehow detach my mind for an hour, I need the rest.

if only you'd what? it wasn't your fault, Ogg. the only thing you could've done is try to stop her, but i really don't think that would've gone very well.

it's great that your daughter wants to live with you! a friend of mine with divorced parents desperately wishes she could live with her dad, but her mom was the one with custody, so she can't. i think the hardest thing for kids with divorced parents is either when their parents use them against the other parent or when they remarry to someone the kid doesn't approve of. it's still a pretty tough time for them, but as long as you and your ex-wife are still relatively friendly, it should make it easier to adjust.

i sure do hope things get better for you. good luck, Ogg!

carolynn

Kares4Rush · Post by **Kares4Rush** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 11:39 am

First of all Elfie, please don't feel you need to "qualify" anything you say for me or anyone else. To me you are a wise and gentle man. If I read things here deeper than Rush lyrics or what Geddy was wearing on stage one day I have to digest it. That's all.

We all have a starting point from which we experience things and it is different for each of us.

This board is so cool because one can absolutely say whatever is going on. We all learn from it. In my heart I was so sorry for what your wife did and I wanted to say something but I didn't think it appropriate at the time (some of the jackass stuff that comes out of my mouth here...can you blame me?) and didn't feel "close" enough to you for me to say such things.

Ogg. I went over this thread again and watched what has happened. You are an amazing man. Truly. It is so clear that you have a "higher" picture in mind. Even though it sucks right now and you have to be "selfish" (I use that term only in the good sense) right now. I think it's good. You have to live with yourself in the end no matter what so why not hash out all the insecurities and pain here?

Unfortunately I'll bet all of us here can relate with our own lives on some level.

Keep it up. I promise we can take it.

happysmilies007 · Post by **happysmilies007** » Sun Aug 08, 2004 7:22 pm

GO KARES!

carolynn

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 10:06 am

Ogg, been away this weekend, but just read up on what I missed. Glad to see you still keeping on. Keep on using us to lean on.

Aerosmitten · Post by **Aerosmitten** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 10:53 am

*Hugs for Ogg*

Ogg · Post by **Ogg** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 11:08 am

My love to Kares' Happi' and of course awip' . One certainly discovers whose one's friends are, several conspicuous by their absence though.

Ogg's Sanity update:
There may be a very very slight chance that my 'situation' may change. My son arrived home after a week away and prompted a rare show of emotion within the 'wife'. Finally talking as such but not going the way I want it to be honest. All sorts of new rules etc and I dont think I can adhere to them. Talk talk bloody talk. Basically I will have to compromise many a principle to keep this farce, I mean 'marriage' intact, sigh. What to do? My opinions are clouded by the pain I'm going through. This is not going too well to be honest. Self preservation is the key for me, not allowing someone to basically have their cake and eat it.

"But he's still heading down those tracks
Any day now for sure
Another day as drab as today
Is more than a man can endure"

Powerwindows again, cant get enough of it recently.

Soup4Rush · Post by **Soup4Rush** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 11:40 am

I went through the same thing as Elfdude 10 years ago except he lived in the upstairs apartment. It hurt for a while but it was the best in the long run. I have custody of the kids, they were 1 and 3 months at the time, I am remarried and have a 5 year old daughter with my 2nd wife who I have been married to for 9 years. We have a beautiful home in the suburbs and we are living the "American Dream". My ex has a drinking problem and a drug problem, rents an apartment in the shady part of town and just got out of jail for failure to pay child support. She is $18,000 in arrears. And through no doing of my own, my kids want nothing to do with her. Justice you may say, but at this point it really doesn't matter. OGG, this will hurt a whole bunch now, but it will pass. You will be suprised at how quick it does. hang in there buddy.....

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 12:41 pm

Wish I or someone here could tell you what the answers are, Ogg.

I would suggest that you look quite hard at the compromises you are being asked to make though. Marriage is important and worth fighting tooth and nail for, but one shouldn't make a deal you can't follow through with.

Sir Myghin · Post by **Sir Myghin** » Mon Aug 09, 2004 5:49 pm

Ogg

If i may post my opinion , although i be young and all. It would not be wise to corner yourself by such rules. It may only cause latter reprocussions or problems. And above all you cannot surrender yourself for thats all you really own, and all one can ever own.