The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
copy and pasted
Cops Have Humor
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh,did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
Cops Have Humor
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh,did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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Walkinghairball
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- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
I had a cop pull me over once and he said my license plate light was broken. I showed him that my car, (1968 Dodge Polara at that time), was not equiped with a license plate light................ So he let me go.................................. Good thing he didn't look in the trunk.
Oh yeah... Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Because it was stapled to the punk rocker...
Oh yeah... Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Because it was stapled to the punk rocker...
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another copy and paste
> > Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
> > commentators so far during
> > the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
> >
> > 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
> > Bulgaria. I saw her
> > snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
> > amazing."
> >
> > 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a
> > lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I
> > once mounted her mother."
> >
> > 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
> > especially my mother and father."
> >
> > 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,
> > and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really
> > that serious."
> >
> > 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I
> > should think we can
> > expect the same thing again."
> >
> > 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
> > opposition doesn't like
> > it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
> >
> > 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that
> > nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
> > the British crew."
> >
> > 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
> > It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
> >
> > 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is
> > playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife
> > takes out his
> > balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
> > said?"
> > Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
> > commentators so far during
> > the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
> >
> > 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
> > Bulgaria. I saw her
> > snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
> > amazing."
> >
> > 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a
> > lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I
> > once mounted her mother."
> >
> > 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
> > especially my mother and father."
> >
> > 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,
> > and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really
> > that serious."
> >
> > 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I
> > should think we can
> > expect the same thing again."
> >
> > 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
> > opposition doesn't like
> > it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
> >
> > 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that
> > nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
> > the British crew."
> >
> > 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
> > It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
> >
> > 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is
> > playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife
> > takes out his
> > balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
> > said?"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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Orlando's LOVESLAVE
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Sir Myghin
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Walkinghairball
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Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."
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Devil's Advocate
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- Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:42 pm
- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
I've seen this one before.... and I have a strange feeling I've posted it before too....
10 LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums! -H's drum teacher would love this one! lol-
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read. (true!)
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Evidently all of them.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums! -H's drum teacher would love this one! lol-
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read. (true!)
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Onward and Upward!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
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Devil's Advocate
- Posts: 927
- Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:42 pm
- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
Give The Frog A Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
(you're gonna love this)
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(its a real treat)
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(a masterpiece)
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(wait for it)
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The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
I saw this on a spanish channel....A weepy woman came into the church to confess her sins. The priest is listening and asks what she did that was wrong. She says that she went to a party and one of her male friends invites her for a stroll outside. She goes with him and when they are alone, the friend turns around and shows her what he has. The priest is shock and asks what she did. The weepy woman tells him that she was gawking at it and the friend tells her to try it. The priest tells her that he hopes she had the right mind to turn and leave but she said she touched his treasure and says it is big and long. The priest is appalled. After smacking her on the head with the bible, he told her never to see this man again. She said she liked what the friend showed her and she brought it to show the priest.
The priest thinks she is crazy until she brought out a big, long bottle of wine and thought the priest might like to taste it. The priest is relieved and she asked him what he thought she meant. He said "Oh nothing my child. It is not a sin that you had wine" and she gave him the bottle and thanked him. Pretty silly.
I love my Welshman.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Orlando's LOVESLAVE
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Smart dog.
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."