The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Some helpful hints for visitors to DC/VA/MD Metro and/or some helpful
reminders for others:
In Virginia:
The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon.
The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
The minimum acceptable speed on the I-95 is 85 mph.
On the Baltimore-Washington Parkway it's 105 or 110.
Anything less is considered "Wussy."
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere:
Virginia has its own, unique traffic rules.
For example:
Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a
four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
HOWEVER, in Prince William County, SUV-driving,
cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will
be rear ended, cussed out - and possibly shot.
Never honk at anyone. Ever.
Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of VA.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment
pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next
day's driving a bit more exciting.
Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks,
skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers,
shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and
the homeless (feeding on any of the former items).
Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads
are where they say they are, or go where they say they do,
and all the Toll Road ez pass lanes are moved each night,
once again - to make your ride more exciting.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave
them to the shoulder immediately - to let them know
it has been "accidentally activated."
If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a
55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard, and
will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday
(for Friday), and right after church on Sunday (for anything
on Monday morning).
Welcome to Metro DC. Enjoy your visit.
reminders for others:
In Virginia:
The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon.
The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
The minimum acceptable speed on the I-95 is 85 mph.
On the Baltimore-Washington Parkway it's 105 or 110.
Anything less is considered "Wussy."
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere:
Virginia has its own, unique traffic rules.
For example:
Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a
four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
HOWEVER, in Prince William County, SUV-driving,
cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will
be rear ended, cussed out - and possibly shot.
Never honk at anyone. Ever.
Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of VA.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment
pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next
day's driving a bit more exciting.
Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks,
skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers,
shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and
the homeless (feeding on any of the former items).
Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads
are where they say they are, or go where they say they do,
and all the Toll Road ez pass lanes are moved each night,
once again - to make your ride more exciting.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave
them to the shoulder immediately - to let them know
it has been "accidentally activated."
If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a
55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard, and
will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday
(for Friday), and right after church on Sunday (for anything
on Monday morning).
Welcome to Metro DC. Enjoy your visit.
Don't start none...won't be none.
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over
and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips,
lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes
of
this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass."
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over
and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips,
lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes
of
this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass."
Happy 2015!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're
leaving."
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're
leaving."
Happy 2015!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
I don't know if these are true, but they are funny!
A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our
country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an
airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the
passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts . "Without trying
to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, " Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa . "Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
(OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to
see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so
close on the map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had
only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at8:30 am and got to
Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I
said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a
minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained
the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I
asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She
said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this
he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have
accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what
flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't
be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a
map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean
Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our
country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an
airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the
passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts . "Without trying
to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, " Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa . "Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
(OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to
see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so
close on the map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had
only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at8:30 am and got to
Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I
said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a
minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained
the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I
asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She
said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this
he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have
accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what
flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't
be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a
map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean
Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
Onward and Upward!
BULL SENSE
A man took his wife to the rodeo, and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the stud bulls.
They went up to the first pen, and there was a sign
attached that said:
"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife (playfully) nudged her husband in the ribs and
said:
"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen - which had a sign attached
that said:
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to a third pen - and it had a sign attached that said:
(in capital letters): "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife - so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's
ribs, said:
"That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said:
"Go over - and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition is stable, and he should eventually
make a full recovery....
A man took his wife to the rodeo, and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the stud bulls.
They went up to the first pen, and there was a sign
attached that said:
"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife (playfully) nudged her husband in the ribs and
said:
"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen - which had a sign attached
that said:
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to a third pen - and it had a sign attached that said:
(in capital letters): "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife - so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's
ribs, said:
"That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said:
"Go over - and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition is stable, and he should eventually
make a full recovery....
Don't start none...won't be none.
Ha! ha!ha!
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking,
or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit"?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking,
or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit"?
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.