From the "And you Northerners think WE'RE slow?" department:
Think we're slow in the SOUTH?
Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store...as yet, the store isn't ready
...only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now - some redneck
tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and
ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious fellow from Georgia walks to the window, has a peek,
and in a Southern drawl asks,
"What'chy'all sellin'?"
One of the men replies, "Oh....We're selling assholes here,
ya f**king stoopid rat bastid!"
Without skipping a beat, the Georgian says....
"Well, I see y'all're doin' really good...you only got two left."
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
so a bowline is on a ship and its really hot he's getting a bit thirsty. So when they make port he goes out to the tavern and says to the barkeep give me a rum and coke. The bartender says sorry we don't serve bowlines here.
So the bowline goes by the bar again that night. It is quite packed so he decides to go in and see if he can get a drink without the bartender noticing it is him. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender says aren't you the bowline i through out earlier today?
No sir, i'm knot.
So the bowline goes by the bar again that night. It is quite packed so he decides to go in and see if he can get a drink without the bartender noticing it is him. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender says aren't you the bowline i through out earlier today?
No sir, i'm knot.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Ginger was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the
prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as
they took them in one by one.
As Ginger stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the
street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Ginger, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh
oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end
of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was
amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"
The policeman fainted
prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as
they took them in one by one.
As Ginger stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the
street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Ginger, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh
oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end
of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was
amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"
The policeman fainted
This space for rent
Three dogs - a Poodle, a Chihuahua and a Great Dane see
each other at the vet's office.
The Poodle asks the Chihuahua: "What are you here for?"
"I bit the postman again." replies the Chihuahua. "Every time he
comes in the yard - I lose it. She's having me put to sleep!! Can you believe that? What about you?"
"I can't hold pee until I get outside" says the Poodle. "Can you
believe she's having me put to sleep for that?"
Then they ask the Great Dane, "What about you?"
"Well", he says...
"She was getting out of the shower looking good and all dripping
wet. When she bent over to dry her legs, I couldn't stand it.
I mounted her right there."
The Poodle says, "Well..no wonder she's having you put to sleep!"
"Put to sleep?" he says:
"She's just having my nails trimmed a little."
each other at the vet's office.
The Poodle asks the Chihuahua: "What are you here for?"
"I bit the postman again." replies the Chihuahua. "Every time he
comes in the yard - I lose it. She's having me put to sleep!! Can you believe that? What about you?"
"I can't hold pee until I get outside" says the Poodle. "Can you
believe she's having me put to sleep for that?"
Then they ask the Great Dane, "What about you?"
"Well", he says...
"She was getting out of the shower looking good and all dripping
wet. When she bent over to dry her legs, I couldn't stand it.
I mounted her right there."
The Poodle says, "Well..no wonder she's having you put to sleep!"
"Put to sleep?" he says:
"She's just having my nails trimmed a little."
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
My mom sent me this she says is from Davey Crockett's journal:
March 6, 1836
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.
The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today"?
March 6, 1836
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.
The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today"?
Onward and Upward!
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Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
Those were all pretty darn funny 
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
..he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.......... God I
miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT.".
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
..he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.......... God I
miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT.".
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
He pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
He pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Don't start none...won't be none.
The Joke thread
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a bed near the window?"
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
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Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 8:32 pm
- Location: Confused state of mind.
To God .... from the dog ...
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
* I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
* The litter box is not a cookie jar.
* The sofa is not a "face towel."
* The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
* Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."
* I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -- not after.
* I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
* I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
* The cat is not a "squeaky toy," so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to heaven, may I have my testicles back?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
* I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
* The litter box is not a cookie jar.
* The sofa is not a "face towel."
* The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
* Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."
* I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -- not after.
* I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
* I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
* The cat is not a "squeaky toy," so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to heaven, may I have my testicles back?
Onward and Upward!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?"
Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?"
Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
This space for rent