The Joke thread

When you have no clue as to what you want to say

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awip2062
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Post by awip2062 » Mon Dec 28, 2009 9:53 pm

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What's a timpan?
Tampani are a kind of drum.
Onward and Upward!

T4EFAN
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Post by T4EFAN » Sat Jan 09, 2010 10:17 pm

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. . Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Sun Jan 10, 2010 4:16 pm

^^^^

A classic, and still funny.
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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Thu Jan 14, 2010 8:50 am

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
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zepboy
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Post by zepboy » Thu Jan 14, 2010 5:34 pm

5 Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best Patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think
Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like Construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!!

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Thu Jan 14, 2010 6:43 pm

^^^^^

Perfect!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:35 am

zepboy wrote:you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
Suh-weet! :lol:

"Old electricians never die...They just lose their spark"

I agree with Hairy...The last "observation" is spot on! :headbang:
Don't start none...won't be none.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Fri Jan 15, 2010 5:51 am

H/T to Northstar at ronaldreagan.com

I'm looking at Drudge Report, and the top portion of the page is covered
with these story links:


"Temps Plunge to Record Lows as Cold Snap Freezes Northern U.S."

"CHILL MAP"

"Vermont Sets 'All-time record for one snowstorm' "

"Iowa Temps 'A solid 30 degrees below normal' "

"Power Goes Out at Reagan National in D.C."

"Peru's Mountain People 'Face extinction because of cold conditions' "

"Beijing -- Coldest in 40 years"

"World Copes With Arctic Weather"


Does anyone know how to get hold of Al Gore?

Maybe he would like to move the polar bears to IOWA or PERU to save
them from global warming. :razz:
Don't start none...won't be none.

T4EFAN
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Post by T4EFAN » Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:45 pm

Afghani TV Guide

MONDAY
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

-----------------------------------------

What do you call a cave-dwelling virgin?

Never Bin Laidon

-----------------------------------------
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.

CygnusX1
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Post by CygnusX1 » Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:11 am

Men's Age (As Determined by trips to Home Depot)

Here's the scenario: You are in the middle of some kind of project around
the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living
room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt and/or paint.

You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: Shorts with the
hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and a
old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project - you realize
you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the
job!

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know,
you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
As a added bonus, you realize you went to school with the pretty girl
running the cash register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes.
You married a hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of
your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty, so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking-it-in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still
"have it." Then you remember the hat (you have on) is from
"Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar" and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your
glasses on, so you're not really sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store
has your 'scripts ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.. Now you
remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and
wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud
and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with
the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe - something for my garden? Where am I? Who
am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Don't start none...won't be none.

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Walkinghairball
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Post by Walkinghairball » Thu Feb 18, 2010 4:02 pm

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.


A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3.. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. a chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23.. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54.. Never to forget:


* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol
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Xanadu
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Post by Xanadu » Thu Feb 18, 2010 11:05 pm

It is more realistic now
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3.. A lover
4. A brother NO WAY!
5. A father HELL NO
6. A master of what?...as long as its an art form
7. a chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic 8-11 could be useful at times
12. A decorator no...he has to be strait
13. A stylist I said strait dammit
14. A sexologist Now that could be useful.
15. A gynecologist Umm no
16. A psychologist already have one
17. A pest exterminator only if its all natural
18. A psychiatrist see #16
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer of his own stuff ok.
22. A good father irrelevant
23.. Very clean clean is good enough
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic Don't you mean hot?
26. Warm you mean hot!
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent WTF, OH FUCK NO!!!!
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her SEX regularly
46. Love sex
47. Be honest
48. Be very hot
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls Why would I care as I am going look at other guys? Fair is fair, come on...just don't cheat on me dammit

51. Put out dammit!!!





HOW TO MAKE A SHALLOW MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol
We're all mad here!

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YYZ30
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Post by YYZ30 » Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:20 am

Xanadu wrote:
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her SEX regularly
46. Love sex
47. Be honest
48. Be very hot
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls Why would I care as I am going look at other guys? Fair is fair, come on...just don't cheat on me dammit

51. Put out dammit!!!
I have something to say to this, however I think my reply would be more suited to the adult section so I will not respond here :-D

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Xanadu
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Post by Xanadu » Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:18 pm

I meant it too. :-D :-D :-D
We're all mad here!

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Raiden
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Post by Raiden » Wed Mar 10, 2010 5:37 am

Xanadu wrote: HOW TO MAKE A SHALLOW MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol
You could stand in a puddle of him and not get your feet wet.

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